When Food Becomes Your Idol

by | Jan 8, 2015 | Woman

After 26 years of battling several types of eating disorders, I was on the verge of giving up on help and hope. I’d just eaten 15 Oreo cookies, a half gallon of chocolate ice cream topped with whip cream and chocolate syrup, then 12 donut holes. I ran to the bathroom and began making myself vomit.

Standing over the toilet I was shaking, feeling guilty, ashamed and out of control. I literally felt like I wanted to die. This was a major set-back for me. It had been eight months since my last bulimic episode and I was doing so well after intense counseling.

I didn’t understand why I kept doing the things I didn’t want to do over and over. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be normal and enjoy food, eating like everyone else. This was a deep, dark and extremely painful moment in my life when I hit absolute rock bottom. In that place, I was sitting on the bathroom floor, mascara streaming down my face, sobbing sounds eluding as I tried to muffle them.

Feelings of desperation no one could comfort ran through my being. But in that moment, something hit me in a profound way. I saw something happening to me physically, mentally and spiritually. Knowledge went from my head to my heart, and God gave me an epiphany.

There I was, just God and me. The revelation was: Food was my idol. I ran to food for comfort when I needed something to soothe my anxiety, pain or negative emotions. I trusted food more than God. Food wasn’t the answer to my problems, but it was my drug, my addiction—my quick fix. 

My addiction to food began early in my childhood when I thought food was my friend. Food helped me feel better, or maybe just different. It took me to a temporary place which made everything bad vanish (but just for awhile). I felt so happy when I caught a delightful whiff of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

At first, I just wanted a bite. Something sweet to satisfy. One bite, two and three weren’t enough. I needed MORE. I tried to stop but went back. I shoved them into my mouth, quickly chewing, while a sugar rush caused a surge in my body feeling like a drug pushed into my veins. The gratification was immediate. My hands were shaking and I felt euphoria.

Ironically, no matter how much I ate, it was never enough. No matter what sweets promised, they always disappointed. Like a fool, I kept going back for the pleasure. Infatuated, I was clinging onto foolish reasoning to experience impractical passion. I was sucked in, stuck and headfirst in an abusive relationship with food.

To be transparent, there existed a time when I believed sweets were better than sex. It’s a silly thought, but let me explain. Food and I had an intimate relationship.

I never let any other positive or sensual emotions over-ride. With food, I was safe. Cookies, candy, cake, ice-cream and sugar provided everything I needed without asking for anything in return. I didn’t have to do anything to deserve it either. It was all mine whenever I needed it. And I add emphasis on needed it. 

Most of the time, I didn’t just want it. I needed it to make me feel better or good. I needed it to calm me down, numb my negative feelings and keep me from dealing with situations. If I were indulging in excessive amounts of sweets, nothing else mattered.

I blocked out the world and feasted. It created escapism. Sweets kept me from having to feel what I was really experiencing inside. My feelings were too much for me to handle and explore. They controlled and overwhelmed me.

The problem with eating disorders is this: Most of us know we have a problem. We don’t know why or how to fix it. And even if we do have answers, an addiction is always hard to accept and overcome. Sometimes we can reveal our feelings and actions and talk about our pain. We can’t, however, defeat this monster named “ED” (Eating Disorder) alone!

Regardless of the good times I had with food, when I overate or binged and purged it created negative emotions and bad feelings inside me. Some were guilt, shame, worry, anxiety and fear. Since I refused to live with those feelings, I had to do something to make them go away.

There were two options for me: purging in the toilet or excessive exercising. After I purged I felt horrible; I was left emotionally exhausted and suffered a sore throat, a red and puffy face, along with stomach pains. When I over-exercised for up to two hours on the treadmill, I was physically and mentally exhausted. One wrong thought led to consecutive wrong thoughts and irrational actions.

My struggle with food hindered me in my walk and closeness with God. Guilt was a constant foe. When I felt guilty it was difficult for me to want to spend time with a perfect, forgiving and loving God. It’s hard to accept grace when we don’t feel like we deserve it. But that’s just it, “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not of yourselves. It is the gift of God, not of works, so that no one should boast” (Eph. 2: 8-9). God’s grace and mercy is a free gift we choose to receive.

I’m learning to change my position in life from kneeling over the toilet, to kneeling in prayer. I need God a whole lot more than I need to binge and purge. This is where the journey of healing begins.

Brooke Lynn’s new book, Raised by Strangers is available in all formats on amazon.com and Barnes and Nobles. Raised by Strangers is Brooke Lynn’s story of her 26 year battle, struggles and recovery with eating disorders. 

CHARISMA NEWSLETTERS

Stay up-to-date with current issues, Christian teachings, entertainment news, videos & more.

The latest breaking Christian news you need to know about as soon as it happens.

Prophetic messages from respected leaders & news of how God is moving throughout the world. 


MORE FROM CHARISMA

Is He a God of Wrath or a God of Love?

Is He a God of Wrath or a God of Love?

Do you think the God of the Old Testament is a God of wrath, and the God of the New Testament is a God of love? The truth is that God is the same throughout the entire Bible. His wrath and His love are revealed in both the Old and the New Testaments. So why, then, did...

How You Can Have a Perfect Heart

How You Can Have a Perfect Heart

Your heart is the most important part of you. It’s not only a physical organ that keeps your blood pumping, but when the Bible refers to the heart, it’s talking about who you really are. Each person has an inner and an outer life. There’s the person we show to...

How the FBI Raid on Mar-a-Lago Is Spiritual Warfare

How the FBI Raid on Mar-a-Lago Is Spiritual Warfare

It's been a few days since the FBI raided President Donald Trump's home in Mar-a-Lago, and the Biden Administration has yet to explain to the American people why they did what's never been done in American history—the government raiding the home of a former president....

How the Holy Spirit Can Restore Your True Sanity

How the Holy Spirit Can Restore Your True Sanity

Most of my life I tried to avoid one thing—being crazy or insane. When I was growing up my mother had emotional issues and saw a psychiatrist regularly. She was on medication which only seemed to make her mood swings worse. She had high highs, and low lows. When I...

Israel Prophecy: The Enemy is Stirring an Unimaginable Conflict

Israel Prophecy: The Enemy is Stirring an Unimaginable Conflict

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJFFqAgykmU A cease-fire between Israel and Palestinian militants took effect late Sunday in a bid to end nearly three days of violence that killed dozens of Palestinians and disrupted the lives of hundreds of thousands of Israelis,...

RECENT ARTICLES

Why Partial Obedience to God is Disobedience

My husband had a saying for our children growing up. “Partial obedience is disobedience.” He wanted them to understand that doing half the plan would not get them the full reward. Another reminder...
Kingdom Economics: Why is America Declining Spiritually So Quickly?

Kingdom Economics: Why is America Declining Spiritually So Quickly?

The Bureau of Labor Statistics released a surprisingly strong July Employment Report.  Total nonfarm employment was 528K (398K previously, 250K expected).  Private nonfarm employment was 471K (404K previously, 230K expected). The headline unemployment rate dropped to...

Can You Discern Spiritual Wind?

Can You Discern Spiritual Wind?

The wind is a funny thing. We do not know where it comes from nor where it goes. We cannot see it, but we can see and feel its effects. Wind can be gentle and refreshing, cold or hot, strong, and dangerous, and everything in between. When the wind blows, we must...

Messianic Rabbi: He That Has an Eye, Let Him Hear

Messianic Rabbi: He That Has an Eye, Let Him Hear

It is interesting that, as a Messianic rabbi the question I am asked most often by Christians is if I believe that they as Christians have to celebrate, or observe, the biblical Holy Days. They are usually asking about those days listed in Leviticus 23: Shabbat, Yom...

How the Holy Spirit Is Preparing America

How the Holy Spirit Is Preparing America

As the crackdown against Christianity in America grows, it is a cycle believers have seen before. While no one celebrates their religious freedom coming under attack, God has used this persecution to great effect throughout history. Over the centuries, there have been...

Dealing Effectively with the Dynamics of Change

Dealing Effectively with the Dynamics of Change

Change can be challenging. Some people look forward to change and embrace it. Some people dread change and try to avoid it. Since change is inevitable, so here are some of the dynamics surrounding change and the specific strategies to deal with change more...

God’s Holy Interruption Is Coming Soon

God’s Holy Interruption Is Coming Soon

This past weekend I preached at The Roads Church, a charismatic congregation located in the tiny town of Norris City, Illinois. Located amid cornfields, the population is only 1,325, but almost that many people visit the church on weekends. They come from all over...

Pin It on Pinterest

[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]