Asking This One Powerful Question Can Help Your Marriage Become a Miracle

by | Jan 7, 2019 | Woman

The fact that any two sinful human beings ever make it through decades of living together can seem like a miracle. And when that marriage is characterized by respect, intimacy and true love, it truly is a miracle! You may have a long list of things your husband or wife should do differently, and you’re likely right. But you can’t change them. So the question that can transform your marriage is not, “How do I get my spouse to change?”

The more powerful question to ask, and one you can do something about, is: What’s it like to be married to me?

Now before you either dissolve in self-pity and shame over what that question brings up in your soul or sit a little taller on your high horse imagining you have no faults, remember that both you and your spouse married sinners. None of us starts out knowing how to love well, and marriage is one of God’s best tools to teach us how to do that.

As you contemplate that question, let me suggest a few sub-questions that will help you focus your self-reflection in ways that will help you move forward.

1. What effect do I have on my spouse?

Think of all the various people in your life. Some of them sprout spines and hurt you the moment you come anywhere close. Others are distant and cold, rebuffing any attempt you make to connect. Still others lift you up just by being in their presence, making you seek out opportunities to be around them.

Which one are you to your spouse? How does it feel to be around you? Are you prickly and critical, letting your spouse feel they can never measure up? Do you stonewall the attempts your spouse does make at communication or intimacy when something isn’t exactly perfect? Or do you see first and most whatever is best in your spouse, calling that out?

People love being around people who lift them up. Your spouse does too.

2. Does my spouse know me?

Intimacy means knowing. Some people are easier to know than others. How high are the walls you’ve erected between you? There’s something appealing about someone being real and authentic. That’s the exact opposite of expecting your spouse to read your mind, or pretending things are one way when you feel something very different.

Being real and authentic does not mean being mean or moody or selfish. You may need to allow your spouse to see some places in your heart that you wish would be kept hidden. It may mean you come to know yourself in ways you find unattractive. But intimacy means bringing your whole self to your spouse—your whole best self.

And it means being willing to grow and change when there are places in you that are hurtful to your spouse.

3. Is my spouse safe with me?

If you want a chance to truly know your spouse, you will have to create a safe place for them to be real and authentic with you too. No one enjoys being around someone who is critical, demanding, uncommunicative or always right. Your spouse does not want another parent, and you’re not Junior Holy Spirit!

That doesn’t mean you accept bad behavior or abuse. But it means you focus most on the best parts of who your spouse is. You invite them to be real with you. You’re curious, accepting, inviting, appealing. Your presence and love become a place they want to be, a place where they can find support and encouragement.

While you cannot be everything to your spouse, you should be someone your spouse knows they can share the truest part of themselves with.

4. Am I growing as a spouse?

God is not asking you to be a perfect husband or wife. But He is asking you to be a spouse who is continually learning to love better.

Learning to love well does not mean being squishy or weak, refusing to deal with reality. It does not mean living in a warm-and-fuzzy feeling all the time. Loving well does mean being all in, doing whatever it takes, refusing to quit or settle for mediocrity.

You cannot choose for your spouse, and they get a vote. But you can choose for you. You can decide that as far as depends on you, you will be—and become—the person God needs you to be to your spouse in this season. You can determine to keep learning and growing in any way necessary to become that person.

What is your marriage goal?

Imagine your marriage a year from now. Do you like what you see? What about 10 years from now? How about at your funeral—what would your spouse say about you?

Try writing out what you want your marriage to be in the future. What kind of a spouse do you want to be? And then consider what you are doing to move toward that goal. Yes, your spouse gets a vote in your marriage. But your own thoughts, attitudes and actions will be powerful in creating that future.

As a Christian spouse, what’s it like to be married to you?

Now what’s the next step you’re going to take toward being that spouse?

Your Turn: What’s it like to be married to you? Do you like what you see? Is there anything you plan to change? Leave a comment below. {eoa}

Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley is both a board-certified OB-GYN physician and an ordained doctor of ministry. As an author and speaker, she loves helping people discover the Fully Alive kind of life Jesus came to bring us. Visit her website at drcarolministries.com.

This article originally appeared at drcarolministries.com.

CHARISMA NEWSLETTERS

Stay up-to-date with current issues, Christian teachings, entertainment news, videos & more.

The latest breaking Christian news you need to know about as soon as it happens.

Prophetic messages from respected leaders & news of how God is moving throughout the world. 


MORE FROM CHARISMA

This Coach Can Help You Destroy Your Addiction to Pornography

This Coach Can Help You Destroy Your Addiction to Pornography

Let’s talk about a subject most people want to avoid. Let’s talk about pornography. According to Covenant Eyes, statistics show that 28,258 users are watching pornography every second, and 20% of mobile online searches are for porn. Among Christians, 20% of youth...

The Real Truth About the Marriage of Politics and Faith

The Real Truth About the Marriage of Politics and Faith

As I look back, I realize that God has given me a career path with some rather unique experiences. I have built bridges at the intersection of faith and government my whole life, and I have learned that serving people through a role in government can be just as...

Joyce Meyer: Winning the Battle Against Satan in Your Mind

Joyce Meyer: Winning the Battle Against Satan in Your Mind

If you have received Christ as your Savior, then you have an enemy. Did you know that? I know some people feel uncomfortable talking about the devil, but he is real and it’s important for us to face the truth about him so we can have a victorious life in Christ. Now,...

It’s Time to Rebuild Love and Unity in the Church—Part 2

It’s Time to Rebuild Love and Unity in the Church—Part 2

Note: As we move towards Yom Kippur/Day of Atonement, Grant Berry, a Messianic believer, speaks about the deeper repentance needed in the Messianic part of the family. As you have read part one of this article during the month of Av and are now reading part two in the...

Will Many of the Elect Really Be Deceived by the Antichrist?

Will Many of the Elect Really Be Deceived by the Antichrist?

The most sobering and troubling statement in the Olivet Discourse is where Jesus says, “For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect” (Matt. 24:24). This statement cries out for an...

RECENT ARTICLES

Prophetic Lessons in the Hurricane-Force Storms of Life

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe34pxhddd4 With Hurricane Ian slamming Florida, it's a time to reflect on the storms of life. As I was preparing for the hurricane, I documented some thoughts about...
Why God Cares About Your Physical Health

Why God Cares About Your Physical Health

God doesn’t care if I am fat. He wants me to enjoy my life. He wants me to live, love and be happy. Food makes me happy so I’m just doing what He wants me to do. That was just an excuse and at its core it is untrue. God really doesn’t care about our outward...

An Unborn Baby’s Heart Is Beating—Stop Denying It

An Unborn Baby’s Heart Is Beating—Stop Denying It

Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams turned heads last week in Atlanta when she defiantly announced during a political event that an unborn baby doesn’t have a heartbeat at six weeks gestation. “There is no such thing as a heartbeat at six weeks,” said...

Prophecy: We Are in a Season of Blessings

Prophecy: We Are in a Season of Blessings

We are kingdom citizens, and not of this world. We don’t abide by this world’s economy and the natural things that happen. Repeatedly, over the last four weeks, I’ve been hearing not to look at the circumstances of this world. We are not of this world. Get your eyes...

Pin It on Pinterest