QUESTION: Sometimes I want sex with my wife because I’m seeking pleasure, not romance. I feel guilty. Should I?
ANSWER: Well, an honest man! Not every guy is motivated by a deep longing for an emotional encounter every single time he wants sex. The good news is, not every woman is either. Sometimes she just wants to feel the rush of the orgasm you produce for her. God created us to enjoy sex, so that’s just being human.
I believe a woman intuitively desires three-dimensional sex–spirit, soul and body-in the majority of her sexual experiences. Her gift of sexuality makes communion from her soul as important to her as the husband’s physiological sex drive is to him.
If you know how to connect spiritually, emotionally and physically during sex, you need not feel guilty at all. If all you know how to do is have physical sex, and sex is all about you, and now your wife is complaining about feeling used, then you may be feeling guilty for a reason.
Take time to learn how to be a three-dimensional lover (which I also discuss in my book Sex, Men and God). Great three-dimensional sex with your wife is possible for men who follow these principles of sexual success:
Principle No. 1: Eyes open. When you get to the point of ejaculation, look into your spouse’s eyes. It will blow you away! If you fantasize during your sexual release, you are attaching to the fantasy and not to your spouse.
Principle No. 2: Lights on.
It doesn’t have to be bright; it can even be candlelight. A man attaches to his wife by looking at her. And, once you consistently attach to her person
relationally, her body will become desirable regardless of its proportions.
Principle No. 3: Nurturing connection. She is turned on by closeness. So when you’re making love to your wife, make an intentional effort to praise and nurture her. Go deeper than just complimenting her body. Speak to her spirit and soul during sex. You can become a great nurturer during your sexual experience by telling her how much you appreciate her in ways that aren’t sexual. Tell her that you love her honesty, her strength and her intelligence. Tell her what her beauty does for you. Tell her she makes you feel masculine and that you love being with her.
What you say or don’t say during your sexual experience goes deeper into her soul and spirit than any other words you say to her at any other time. When she is open to you sexually, she opens her entire being to you. If you use these vulnerable moments to complain about sex or to try to talk her into trying something new, you will be unsuccessful. If you are silent with her during this time of openness and ignore her spirit and soul during sex, this pattern of emptiness will leave her unfulfilled.
Imagine the joy of your soul being washed with praise and acceptance and your spirit being connected to her. Imagine receiving pleasure in all three dimensions at the same time. The resulting orgasm is satisfying all the way to the core of your being. And your sexually successful brain sends a triple hit, attaching you to the woman to whom you are committed. This experience is normal for the man with a sexually successful brain; his brain receives the highest reward sexually and craves and aches to connect to his woman.
I promise that if you use these three principles for 100 days, you will never want to leave them. Take your time, connect with your wife, and enjoy guilt-free lovemaking!
QUESTION: Help! I’ve been married for 10 years and still have a problem with premature ejaculation. Is there any way to prevent this without thinking about my late Aunt Ethel or imagining myself being castrated by a Mongolian camel herder?
ANSWER: That is a long time to have this problem. I hope you have tried the squeeze technique. This is when you feel like you’re ready to ejaculate, you pull out of your wife and she squeezes hard the top of your penis. Then, you re-enter.
Some have just tried pulling out prior to ejaculation without the squeeze and built up the endurance. Some men are multi-orgasmic: The first one goes quick. You relax, keep your wife stimulated and, after a couple minutes, regain an erection. The second time is usually longer.
Staying connected to your wife during sex is important. Staying calm during the experience is critical. If all else fails, your doctor might have injections, pumps or other nifty ideas to help. The important thing for your wife is that she knows you’re working on the problem. Couples who patiently work together can find creative solutions to challenges in the bedroom.