How Abuse May Be Affecting Your Marriage in Ways You Didn’t Realize

by | Mar 2, 2018 | Man

In the age of the comic book comeback, super heroes surround us. We have the X-Men, Spiderman and of course the leader of the pack, Superman. I love Superman; he can fly, he’s strong, has a real job and struggles with his female relationships. Although he has laser vision and he can repel bullets and save the world in every movie, he also has a weakness.

His weakness is kryptonite, a stone from his planet of origin. Just being in the presence of kryptonite takes the mighty man of steel to his knees. It’s not just Superman, though; most of our heroes and heroines have a weak spot. I think it makes our heroes more relatable to us. Who doesn’t love when Superman is fumbling through a conversation with Lois Lane?

Like our heroes, even the best marriage can have hidden kryptonite that can cause the marriage to weaken. Some of these weaknesses are created way before we marry.

In the movie Ice Age, there is a prehistoric squirrel that provides comic relief. He is constantly trying to obtain or keep his precious prehistoric acorn. He tends to thump his prehistoric acorn into the ground. His pounding the acorn creates these little cracks. Then the crack travels quickly over great landmasses and creates some sort of natural disaster.

We also sometimes receive cracks early in our life that, if not addressed, can travel in our life throughout the years, creating significant pain in the future.

Sadly, past abuse is one area that, if not addressed, can develop cracks within a marriage.

Chet and Maria are a couple who were caught off-guard by a crack in their marriage. Chet was in his late 30s, handsome and pretty successful in his corporate career. Chet was from Kansas and was born on a farm. He remembers working on the farm before he even started first grade. Dad was a workaholic, working from 5:00 a.m. until he thought he was done, usually somewhere between 7:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m.

Chet really was an object to Dad, who was constantly critical. Actually, Chet couldn’t remember one kind word of approval from dad. Dad was also verbally abusive towards everyone, whether family or not. Dad wasn’t afraid to hit his children or wife for that matter. Chet actually had a sincere heart to please others, especially Dad. Chet went to college and started working in the big city two states away. He met Maria at church and they fell in love.

Everything looked normal, but the crack of past physical and emotional abuse began to take its toll. The wounds from Chet’s dad were not healed. Chet couldn’t ever receive praise from Maria, so he felt unappreciated. If he had feelings, he wouldn’t talk about them; he would just bury himself in his work. Chet’s inability to be intimate seemed to be getting worse.

Chet was a survivor of abuse. In his case, Dad emotionally neglected him. He was physically abused as well, so conflict wasn’t Chet’s strong suit. Maria also had some abuses that she had never told Chet about. As a teenager growing up in the city, she was raped by an older man. She kept this a deep, dark secret and inside, blamed herself. She was impacted, and this crack grew over the years in her life, having several symptoms of a sexual abuse survivor.

People get abused in many ways. For some, it’s physical and emotional abuse or neglect. There are many who also have suffered sexual abuse or rape as a child, adolescent or as an adult. Abuse impacts every person differently. For some, it catapults them to work through the wounds. For others, they build walls or habits to protect themselves. Some of these walls or habits are more destructive than others. Regardless of the how one reacts, some of these reactions can impact a marriage.

I know personally that having past wounds, I had work to do to make sure that Lisa was not going to have to deal with the impact of the cracks created in my past. Abuse and neglect can be different journeys. Usually it takes a few steps to heal from the wounds of neglect or abuse. First, it takes truly acknowledging and owning that the abuse really did occur. Second, place responsibility on the person who actually did the neglect. Third, some anger work is usually very helpful. Fourth, moving into forgiveness is another step toward healing from abuse or neglect. Last, there may also be legitimate grief you may need to experience due to the losses that are connected to the specific abuse.

Now as a counselor for as many years, I know abuse and neglect impacts every soul differently. For some, just walking through the process we just outlined can bring about a great amount of relief. For others, getting professional counseling may be necessary to walk out of the wounds that many have been incurred along your particular journey of life.

Regardless of the wounds you may have experienced as a child, adolescent or adult you can heal from them. You and your spouse are worthy of a healthier and happier person. I know personally and professionally that as one spouse actively heals it makes the marriage easier and so much more fulfilling for both people in the marriage.

Doug Weiss, Ph.D., is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of several books includingThe Ten Minute Marriage Principle. You may contact Dr. Weiss via his website, drdougweiss.com or on his Facebook, by phone at 719-278-3708 or through email at heart2heart@xc.org.

CHARISMA NEWSLETTERS

Stay up-to-date with current issues, Christian teachings, entertainment news, videos & more.

The latest breaking Christian news you need to know about as soon as it happens.

Prophetic messages from respected leaders & news of how God is moving throughout the world. 


MORE FROM CHARISMA

How Prophetic Evangelism Is Impacting Change in Today’s Culture

How Prophetic Evangelism Is Impacting Change in Today’s Culture

Dr. Candice Smithyman, host of Manifest His Presence on the Charisma Podcast Network, recently interviewed apostle Stacey Campbell, founder of Shiloh Global about how prophecy can impact today’s culture. Apostle Campbell is passionate about teaching young people and...

Joyce Meyer’s Daughter: ‘I Tried Until I Almost Died!’

Joyce Meyer’s Daughter: ‘I Tried Until I Almost Died!’

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc14ip0XyOw Growing up as the daughter of Dave and Joyce Meyer, Sandra McCollom knew about God’s goodness and unconditional love. “At eight years old, I remember sitting on the floor as my mom shared her faith with me. That’s when I...

Prophet: 10 Essential Guardrails for Hearing God’s Voice

Prophet: 10 Essential Guardrails for Hearing God’s Voice

In the journey of hearing God's voice today effectively and accurately, you need the practical and personal work of the Holy Spirit. Jesus clearly told his followers that those who hear His words and put them into practice are wise! "Whoever hears these sayings of...

Prophetic Vision: Three Tables Are Set

Prophetic Vision: Three Tables Are Set

Recently as I was worshipping the Lord, I went into a vision where I could see I was in a dark and very deep valley. It was nighttime, and the valley was surrounded by tall mountains. On the top of each I could see the outlines of men and instinctively knew they were...

How Your Apostolic and Prophetic Worship Will Hurt the Enemy

How Your Apostolic and Prophetic Worship Will Hurt the Enemy

We are living in a time where it seems that dreams and visions are accelerating. The enemy fights against prophetic insight being poured out according to Joel 2:28-32. Numerous deliverance ministries have risen up to combat the ‘Pandora's box’ that was released in...

Is He a God of Wrath or a God of Love?

Is He a God of Wrath or a God of Love?

Do you think the God of the Old Testament is a God of wrath, and the God of the New Testament is a God of love? The truth is that God is the same throughout the entire Bible. His wrath and His love are revealed in both the Old and the New Testaments. So why, then, did...

How You Can Have a Perfect Heart

How You Can Have a Perfect Heart

Your heart is the most important part of you. It’s not only a physical organ that keeps your blood pumping, but when the Bible refers to the heart, it’s talking about who you really are. Each person has an inner and an outer life. There’s the person we show to...

RECENT ARTICLES

Cindy Jacobs Prophesies: The Lord Says, ‘Am I Not the Mender of Broken Hearts?’

I was just praying and asking the Lord, “How can I encourage you all today?” I know there are so many challenges out there, but this is what the Lord said to me. The Lord said, “There are some...
How the FBI Raid on Mar-a-Lago Is Spiritual Warfare

How the FBI Raid on Mar-a-Lago Is Spiritual Warfare

It's been a few days since the FBI raided President Donald Trump's home in Mar-a-Lago, and the Biden Administration has yet to explain to the American people why they did what's never been done in American history—the government raiding the home of a former president....

Why Partial Obedience to God is Disobedience

Why Partial Obedience to God is Disobedience

My husband had a saying for our children growing up. “Partial obedience is disobedience.” He wanted them to understand that doing half the plan would not get them the full reward. Another reminder we used to tell our kids was, “Don’t think about it, don’t hesitate,...

Pin It on Pinterest

[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]
[class^="wpforms-"]