5 Ways to Dramatically Heal Your Marriage

by | Nov 20, 2019 | Men

In this article, I want to take you down memory lane to when you were first courting your spouse.

Do you remember how you could intentionally set it up to see your love at work, a certain place or a campus? Do you remember how you familiarized yourself with their schedule so you could optimize moments with them?

Do you remember making it a priority for yourself to remember things that were important to them such as specific dates, people, and events? Do you remember planning a date for your spouse with such detail that you knew they’d have a good time? Do you remember buying a favorite coffee, tea, chocolate or flower that you knew they would love?

If you’re nodding your head yes, yes, yes as I am asking you these questions, you were a lover. You were intentionally loving another with them in mind.

The key word here and a fundamental characteristic is intentionality. A healthy and fit lover-spouse stays intentional over the decades of marriage. A less than fit lover-spouse gives themselves permission to forget what their spouse enjoys, what events or places are important to their lover and, honestly, it’s more about themselves than being a lover to their spouse.

If you’re strong in intentionality, you’ll find being a lover-spouse very easy. In most cases, you’re already being a pretty good lover-spouse. Intentionality is the spine of being a lover. When we commit to being intentional, we commit to a new path and a new future.

As a Christian, you’ve heard the prodigal son story (Luke 15:11-32) preached time and time again. However, I’ve never heard anyone really experience the power of intentionality in this story.

The story is straightforward. A boy takes his inheritance, moves to a far-off land and intentionally self-destructs through alcohol and sex. He goes broke.

Then he comes up with a plan of telling his dad he sinned, asking for forgiveness and hoping his dad will hire him on the ranch. However, when he hatched this plan he was in a far-off country. He had to intentionally and consistently walk daily for weeks or months to get back in his father’s house.

Intentionality only works if you actually do it. Reading about it isn’t doing it. Even planning to do it isn’t doing it. Doing it is doing it. Now, if for whatever reason you are in the habit of not being an intentional lover toward your spouse, I’d follow the principles of the prodigal.

The first part of his plan was to go to his dad and take responsibility. I find as a couple if one or both of you have been irresponsible with being a lover, verbally repenting is very helpful. Unlike the prodigal son I wouldn’t try to overcome years or decades of self-absorption, immaturity, inattentiveness, taking the other person for granted and not being there for them in one conversation.

You could begin to undo some of the damage by writing out the mistakes (sins you made in your relationship with your spouse) and go through this list with them. As you present your list, you could state, “I need you to forgive me for…” This list could comprise actual things you did, things you didn’t do, didn’t follow up on, needed to be reminded about repeatedly, attitudes or even just bad ideas.

Taking responsibility also gives you some ideas about creating a plan. You can see where things have to change, and things you need to do differently than before.

A couple suggestions I have from my couples work are:

—Write the plan up for yourself.

—Review the plan with your spouse to make sure it achieves what you hope it will.

—Make the goals achievable and measurable.

—You don’t have to do it all in a week, but make goals you can do and sustain.

—Review your goals with someone of the same gender—a mentor, pastor or cell group leader. This kind of accountability always accelerates your success with such goals.

Taking these steps toward being an intentional lover to your spouse will dramatically increase the health of your marriage. This can be a very helpful exercise in recovering the intentionality in your marriage. {eoa}

Doug Weiss, Ph.D., is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of several books, including his newest title Lover Spouse. You may contact Dr. Weiss via his website, drdougweiss.com, on his Facebook, by phone at 719-278-3708 or through email at heart2heart@xc.org.

CHARISMA NEWSLETTERS

Stay up-to-date with current issues, Christian teachings, entertainment news, videos & more.

The latest breaking Christian news you need to know about as soon as it happens.

Prophetic messages from respected leaders & news of how God is moving throughout the world. 


MORE FROM CHARISMA

What Is ‘The One Thing’ God Wants From You?

What Is ‘The One Thing’ God Wants From You?

In 1971, I was invited to spend one month in Singapore at a new institute that had been started by John Haggai. It was still in the formative stages then—a place where Asian church leaders would be trained and challenged to witness for Christ. Today, more than 40...

37 Prayers for the Suffering Persecuted Church

37 Prayers for the Suffering Persecuted Church

It was a Pentecost bloodbath and most Christians never heard about it. More than 50 Christians were killed in one of the deadliest terror attacks on Nigerians this year. Scores of gunmen rushed in to kill Christians in the midst of worship. All told, over 360 million...

The Man Who Spent 23 Minutes in Hell: The People I Saw in Hell

The Man Who Spent 23 Minutes in Hell: The People I Saw in Hell

In 1998, God gave me a life-changing vision of hell. I receive many questions about my experience from people all over the world, but one question I'm often asked is, "Who did you see in hell?" There are others who say they've had an experience like mine, and they...

The United States: Birthed in Prophetic Symbolism

The United States: Birthed in Prophetic Symbolism

One of the most amazing facts about the Founding Fathers of our nation is this: The one referred to as the "voice" of the revolution (John Adams) and the one referred to as the "pen" of the revolution (Thomas Jefferson) both died on the same day—July 4, 1826—exactly...

RECENT ARTICLES

Why Did God Give ‘This’ to Me?

It’s a question I frequently hear. It’s one I’ve asked. And maybe it’s one you’ve asked, too. The question is, “God, why did You give this to me?” This can be any number of issues, from emotional or...
No Evil Can Stop What God Has Planned

No Evil Can Stop What God Has Planned

I sense it. And I perceive a growing number of people in massive proportions sense the increasing momentum of power and might worldwide. Something is on the horizon—something more eerie and ominous than what the people of the world have ever before experienced. Even...

Curt Landry: 6 Ways to Open Your Heart and Mind to God’s Voice

Curt Landry: 6 Ways to Open Your Heart and Mind to God’s Voice

We are told that we must listen to God’s voice when we need to make important decisions. What does the Bible say about hearing God’s voice? How do we apply this to our everyday lives? 7 Bible Verses About Hearing God’s Voice “So then faith comes by hearing, and...

Pin It on Pinterest