David and Jan Stoop

Three principles to help fix your marriage before it’s too late

It is said that every relationship we have is either growing and moving forward or sliding backward and deteriorating. Relationships never stand still very long.

We’ve certainly noticed this in our marriage. There were times when not only were we sliding backward; we’d almost slipped over the edge. But something always kept us from going too far, and eventually we got back on track.

Even when we were moving forward, though, we found that it still wasn’t easy or pain-free. We are living proof that great marriages don’t just happen but always result from hard work. What we are experiencing today as a couple makes yesterday’s work worth it all.

Three basic principles, which we share here, have kept our marriage on track. When we’ve taught them in seminars and retreats, other couples have enjoyed similar results. We believe your marriage will benefit from them too.

Decide today that you're in your marriage for the long haul.

When we see marriage as a covenant, not a contract, it’s confirmation that we are meant to stay together until death parts us. In A Model for Marriage, Jack and Judy Balswick point out that “the core characteristic of a covenant marriage is commitment, a factor that is profoundly important to marital stability, according to research findings.”

The very nature of wedding vows implies a covenant, but for most brides and grooms, the common attitude is to see marriage as a contract that can be broken. Typically, a couple—despite vowing to endure better or worse until death—live by the principle that they’ll stay together only as long as their spouse fulfills their end of the bargain. That’s an attitude that feeds into the “short haul” approach.