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6 Ways to Deal With Childhood Defiance
by James Dobson
1. Make sure you define the boundaries very clearly in advance. If you haven't spelled them out, don't try to enforce them.
2. When your child is defiant, respond with confident decisiveness. Don't be wishy-washy when your authority is clearly being challenged.
3. Distinguish between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility. Don't punish your kid simply for being a kid.
4. Reassure and teach after the confrontation is over. It is difficult to communicate to the child when you're both in the heat of the battle. After the time of conflict, during which you have demonstrated your right to lead, your child will probably want to be held and reassured, particularly if he is between 2 and 7 years of age and if the confrontation resulted in tears. By all means, open your arms and let him come.
Hold him close and tell him you love him. Rock him gently and let him know, again, why he was punished and how he can avoid the trouble next time. This moment of communication builds love, fidelity and family unity.
For Christian families, it is also extremely important to pray with the child during this time, admitting to God that we've all sinned and that no one is perfect. Divine forgiveness is a marvelous experience, even for a very young child.
5. Avoid impossible demands. Be absolutely sure your child is capable of delivering what you require. Never punish a child for wetting the bed involuntarily, or for not becoming potty trained by 1 year of age, or for doing poorly in school when he's incapable of academic success. Demands such as these create an unresolvable conflict in the child and will cause damage to the human emotional apparatus.
6. Let love be your guide. A relationship that is characterized by genuine love and affection is likely to be a healthy one, even though we all know that parental mistakes and errors are inevitable.
These guidelines do not guarantee your child will be a perfect angel, of course. But they will help to facilitate relationships with your little ones that are characterized by sanity, order and respect—things every parent needs at home.
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