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When a Marriage Grows Cold
by Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D.
My book, Divorce Proofing Your Marriage, deals with 10 lies that lead to divorce and 10 truths that help prevent it. Judging by the numerous radio call-ins, e-mails and letters I've received with the question, "What do you do when a spouse tells you he no longer feels love for you," Lie No. 5--"I've lost that loving feeling, and it's gone, gone, gone"--has apparently hit a national nerve.
To hear those words from someone who was once crazy about you, couldn't live without you and publicly committed his or her future to you is devastating. It's normal to wonder: What happened?
The process is not a mystery. Love gets "lost" through our actions and attitudes.
Relationship deterioration is progressive. It begins with minor discontent, a little criticism here and there. Then criticism becomes more frequent.
Confrontation moves from challenging behaviors to character assassination. You search for negative attributes and expect to find them.
After months of criticism, you begin to feel contempt for your partner. You progress from disapproval and unhappiness to an all-out feeling of disgust toward him or her.
Eventually, contempt kills love. Regularly you entertain thoughts of: "I don't love this person anymore. I don't deserve this. I'm unhappy. I want out."
The Pharisees are biblical examples of men who allowed criticism to turn to contempt. They were continually angry at and critical of Jesus. How dare He heal on the Sabbath, talk to women and touch dead people! Criticism eventually gave way to feelings of contempt--contempt so deep they plotted to kill Him.
Are you like the Pharisees? Do you constantly find fault with your spouse? Has faultfinding moved from criticism to feelings of contempt? Perhaps you are thinking: I can't stand the person I married. I want a divorce.
Contempt has no place in the heart of a Christian. Jesus commanded us to love one another. If you feel contempt, repent. Whatever led you down the contempt path must be handled swiftly, in love, with forgiveness, release of judgment and grace. This is God's way.
Maybe you don't feel contempt for your partner but are defensive because you've been criticized. When attacked, you put up a wall. If you stay defensive, your relationship will suffer.
Defensiveness creates a block to intimacy. Eventually you will grow apart emotionally from your spouse. And emotional distance is a significant predictor of divorce.
Finally, a spouse can respond to criticism by stonewalling (shutting down emotionally and refusing to respond). Usually stonewalling comes after criticism and defensiveness have been present a while.
Stonewalling is a defense shield that protects from emotional distress. However, it too leads to emotional distance.
People don't just "fall out of love" with one another. Instead, they allow negativity and unresolved relationship issues to build until they feel out of love.
Don't go by your feelings. Lost love can be restored. Here are ways to begin:
* Remember your history. You were once friends and attracted to each other. Start treating your spouse like your best friend again.
* Focus on the good. Identify, think about and speak of the good qualities your spouse has.
* Build up a caring relationship. If you want to feel loved, love first--and let your actions show it by doing caring things to make your spouse feel special.
* Love, love, love. Love your spouse as yourself. It's biblical!
* Sow good seed. You reap what you sow. This is a scriptural law that applies to relationships as well as to other aspects of your life. If you sow the fruit of the Spirit, you'll reap love.
* Control your tongue. There is incredible power in what we say (see James 3).
You won't feel like doing these things, so don't wait until you do. Instead, choose to restore lost love by acting and thinking in a loving manner. Criticism will stop, and defensiveness will go. Lost love will be rekindled.
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Linda S. Mintle, Ph.D., is a Chicago-based licensed clinical social worker and author of Divorce Proofing Your Marriage (Siloam Press), available at www.charismawarehouse.com. She welcomes your questions about the tough issues of life at www.drlindahelps.com.
At a Glance
Lost love can be restored.
Remember your history.
Focus on the good.
Build up a caring relationship.
Sow good seed.
Control your tongue.
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Practical Tips
Healing After an Affair
Here are some steps to take to begin the process of healing from an affair:
1. Cease all contact with the person outside the marriage who was involved in the affair.
2.Express feelings related to the crisis.
3. Identify what made you vulnerable to an affair.
4. Figure out what the affair meant. Did you lose your spiritual grounding or want to hurt your partner? Are you afraid of intimacy, or is there some other reason for it occurring?
5. Forgive. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness and a host of physical and psychological problems.
6. Build caring moments into the relationship again.
7. Move toward reconciliation. Restore trust by trustworthy behavior and assurance. Don't live in fear of a recurrence. Determine to do things God's way.
8. Get counseling that incorporates the Word, prayer and leading of the Holy Spirit. There may be multiple wounds to be healed.
9. Don't live in continual condemnation after trust and true repentance have been established.
10. Believe God can restore what was broken and lost. This is His business. Your past is not a prologue to your future in God.
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Testimonies
Wounds That Heal
Author: Barbara Hansen
Location: Milford, Massachusetts
Web site: www.listentothecry.org
After nine years of what I thought was a solid Christian marriage, I was confronted with the first of my husband, Wayne’s, two adulterous affairs. Having been raised in a pastor’s home, I couldn’t comprehend why this was happening.
I had confided in a fellow church member—a friend I trusted. Unfortunately, the story of my husband’s unfaithfulness began to spread throughout the congregation.
I wondered how I would be able to heal. Feeling as though my world and my marriage were in shreds, I turned my grief inward.
I did not know how I could ever trust my husband again. I forgave over time, but forgiveness doesn’t make us forget. However, as we forgive and begin to heal within ourselves, the pain lessens.
It took another 27 years of marriage before I could fully trust and fully forgive Wayne from my heart. This did not happen until I looked deep within and faced some things in myself that I did not want to see.
Eventually, the Holy Spirit started a fire in me, and I was changed and set free. Within two weeks, God began stirring my husband’s spiritual hunger.
The Lord had to do serious surgery on both of us, cutting away the old and bringing in the new. He restored our marriage and made it better than it was before.
Today, my husband and I are a team and in full-time Christian ministry with the abused and broken. We have also served as chaplains of our Christian motorcycle ministry.
Telling our story of deep love and forgiveness gives us joy. We celebrated 42 years of marriage in May, and we love each other very much.
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Scripture
Forgiveness
Matt. 5:23-24
Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
Reconciliation
2 Cor. 5:18
Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation,
Anger
Ephesians 4:26
"Be angry, and do not sin" do not let the sun go down on your wrath.
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