Charisma Magazine

Charisma: You probably feel as though you've been to hell and back since your very public moral failure in late 2006. How are you doing spiritually these days?

Ted Haggard: My visit to hell on Earth as a consequence of my own actions was both devastating and eye-opening. It took a tree to fall on me, but I did get the point. As a result, my spiritual life is undoubtedly stronger now. I am becoming the man I always prayed to be in my heart and my actions.

Photo Credit: Nora Feller Photography

Becoming worse than a leper in the eyes of others has deeply humbled me, to say the least. But I am thankful because it has enabled me to experience Jesus relentlessly pursuing me. Knowing He came for the unrighteousness, and that He came after me and rescued me when I was helpless, is incredibly reassuring. In my new life, the Scriptures and the ministry of the Holy Spirit are more powerful, and my relationships with other believers are healthier because they are based on the righteousness of Christ in us rather than our own goodness.

Charisma: You spent about a year at Tommy Barnett's church in Arizona, and now you're back in Colorado Springs, Colorado. What exactly are you doing, and do you have any plans to go back into ministry?

Ted Haggard: I believe all believers are in ministry regardless of our vocation. In August of 2008, Gayle and I started selling life insurance. But since the release of the HBO documentary The Trials of Ted Haggard in January of 2009, and the accompanying repentance interviews, we've had millions of visitors to tedhaggard.com and thousands of e-mails that included words of encouragement, requests for ministry, and invitations to speak and write. Since that time, we've appeared again on Oprah, had two appearances on Fox network talking about how we strengthened our marriage in our darkest hour, and have spoken in a variety of venues.

It's all humbling and embarrassing for me, because the worst characteristics and moments in my life frame these discussions. But it does seem to help others, and we are being received with more love and respect than I've ever had in my life. I would like to be able to move on to a less embarrassing topic, but amazingly we now minister to more people on a regular basis than we did prior to the crisis. Currently, Gayle and I sell insurance and are busy traveling and speaking.

Charisma: New Life Church, the congregation you founded, has a new pastor—and you were asked not to talk to people there after you left. Has that been difficult?

Ted Haggard: Exclusion from our friends was the most painful and disheartening part of the story after the crisis for me. I so regret that I allowed sin in my life, and I hate that I deeply dismayed others. Because of good counselors, recovering from my personal struggles has been relatively easy compared to dealing with being removed from fellowship. I willingly stepped down from my position as a leader because of my sin but did not realize at first that I would also be shunned as a member of the church even after I had repented of what I had been disciplined for.

Some did try to reach out to me, and I didn't always respond well. But I had been so marked as a person to be distrusted and avoided that it was difficult for communication to occur in a life-giving way. The cloud of suspicion that was generated about everything in my life effectively prohibited constructive relationships—not just with folks at New Life Church, but also with the rest of the body of Christ and even potential employers.

I fell into deep despair, entered into the darkness of depression, and became suicidal after being separated from the body of believers that I loved so deeply and to whom I had devoted most of my adult life. My emotions swing back and forth about this to this day. Some days I'm angry at me, other days I'm just woefully sad.

Gayle Haggard: Probably the most shocking and difficult part of this journey has been the separation from New Life Church, the church we founded and pastored for 22 years. I viewed the church as a family and felt deeply devoted to the people. I never dreamed I would be separated from the church when I faced my darkest hour.

In my thinking, families pull together when facing difficulties, and that is how they heal their weak or wounded members. I believe it is a commitment to this process that leads to a strong, healthy family and a strong, healthy church that understands the gospel.

To this day I want to honor the people of the church we once pastored with the choices I am making. I hope that one day they will say of me that I represented them and the body of Christ well in this process.