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To Date...Or to Wait? It's a hot debate
by Anahid Schweikert
Two books have had singles buzzing about what God thinks about romance.
The whole concept of dating has undergone a revolution in some segments of Christian culture in recent years. Because of the world's unchaste influences, a growing number of Christian singles are replacing dating with old-fashioned courtship.
Joshua Harris was surprised with the sweeping support of his 1998 best-seller, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Multnomah). Originally targeting high schoolers and young adults, the book was being embraced by singles of all ages.
Harris, director of New Attitude, a ministry for young adults in Gaithersburg, Maryland, says he omitted the word "courtship" from his book because it is often seen as a programmatic alternative to dating rather than an intrinsic attitude change. But as in courtship, Harris challenges singles to refrain from romantic relationships until they are truly ready for marriage.
Biblical purity is more than just drawing a line regarding physical intimacy, he says. It's a matter of guarding your mind, motives and emotions.
In his book, Harris describes the "season of singleness" as a God-given time for character development and unbridled service to the Lord. "Although we don't sin when we look forward to marriage, we might be guilty of poor stewardship of our singleness," he writes.
Worldly dating is often romance-based rather than friendship-based, Harris believes, and it encourages intimacy without commitment.
"Friendship is about something other than the two people in the relationship," he writes. "Intimacy is only about each other."
But not everyone agrees with the idea of courtship, or "smart love," as Harris calls it. Some claim the philosophy drives some singles toward extremes of either premature marriage or avoidance of the opposite sex.
"I have never advocated that people rashly jump into marriage or rashly commit to someone and then get to know them later," Harris told Charisma, admitting he is sometimes misunderstood. "But deepening intimacy should match deepening commitment."
As for singles who completely avoid the opposite sex, Harris believes "they are neglecting their responsibility as a brother or sister in Christ."
So should Christian singles throw dating out the window? Jeramy Clark, associate pastor of student ministries at Tri-Lakes Chapel in Monument, Colorado, wrote I Gave Dating a Chance (Waterbrook Press). He challenges singles to reform, rather than abandon, dating habits.
Dating means different things to different people, he says, but Christians should feel free to date as long as it is done with purity and clear intentions. Clark encourages singles to keep dates lighthearted, warning that there is a danger in being too marriage-minded.
"If we clean up our act as Christians and date responsibly, then we can honor God in those relationships," he says.
Clark is concerned about some Christian campuses where students who date are looked down on by those who don't.
He also believes the close involvement of parents sometimes infringes on the couple's opportunity to build their own relationship.
"Some families get so involved that the young couples are not even out of the parents' sight when they spend time together," he says.
Clark, who is married, believes singles should think of a date as a "relationship interview," and determine their own boundaries based on God's Word rather than playing by cultural rules of courtship. But to this he adds a firm warning: "Pride will tell you that you can handle anything."
Despite their differences, Harris and Clark both reject flirting, immodesty and "playing the field," as well as unequally yoked relationships. They both agree that Christian singles should treat one another as brothers and sisters, with a goal of honoring God. And they both emphasize honesty, accountability and avoidance of sexual temptations, agreeing that rules alone don't prevent sin.
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